Hi, everyone. Welcome back.
My story continues from the last entry.
I moved back to Astoria where I used to live before my ex. I remember how happy I felt in the subway on the way home from work thinking that I didn't have to return to where I was. It was a fresh start.
Since I didn't have family in this country, friends were the people I trusted, and they were the ones who supported and helped me emotionally when the time was so difficult.
It was the time when I truly accepted helping hands from others. It was, and still is sometimes, difficult for me to accept help form anyone. I am currently learning to accept and receive help and support more freely, without feeling guilty or inadequate, from my husband. (There must be some reason why he is my husband.)
I strongly believe that having spirit of independence is important for women.
Since being independent mentally and financially is important for any women, I feel that it could be misunderstood with being strong, which is another quality that is misunderstood.
I was one of that women, who thought that I should and could not rely on anyone and I needed to be strong by myself. Accepting help from others was like admitting defeat, even though it had nothing to do with the other. (Defeated by whom?)
The needs to be independent and strong twisted my attitude towards being in relationships. I had a strong belief that I needed to be adequate even when I was in a relationship.
I think back now, and I know I was the one who put myself in cold and loveless relationships.
Being strong does not mean that you need to pull up your guard and be ready for fight.
The guard we pull up is to protect ourselves. It will prevent us from being hurt, but it will also keep anyone from being close to you.
So, how would you expect anyone, even the love-of-your-life, to get to know you if you didn't let him be close to you?