Hi, everyone. Welcome back.
My story continues from the last entry. I moved back to Astoria where I used to live before my ex. I remember how happy I felt in the subway on the way home from work thinking that I didn't have to return to where I was. It was a fresh start. Since I didn't have family in this country, friends were the people I trusted, and they were the ones who supported and helped me emotionally when the time was so difficult. It was the time when I truly accepted helping hands from others. It was, and still is sometimes, difficult for me to accept help form anyone. I am currently learning to accept and receive help and support more freely, without feeling guilty or inadequate, from my husband. (There must be some reason why he is my husband.) I strongly believe that having spirit of independence is important for women. Since being independent mentally and financially is important for any women, I feel that it could be misunderstood with being strong, which is another quality that is misunderstood. I was one of that women, who thought that I should and could not rely on anyone and I needed to be strong by myself. Accepting help from others was like admitting defeat, even though it had nothing to do with the other. (Defeated by whom?) The needs to be independent and strong twisted my attitude towards being in relationships. I had a strong belief that I needed to be adequate even when I was in a relationship. I think back now, and I know I was the one who put myself in cold and loveless relationships. Being strong does not mean that you need to pull up your guard and be ready for fight. The guard we pull up is to protect ourselves. It will prevent us from being hurt, but it will also keep anyone from being close to you. So, how would you expect anyone, even the love-of-your-life, to get to know you if you didn't let him be close to you?
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Hi, everyone.
It seems so easy for some people to talk or post onto the internet about their inner thoughts. I have been contemplating for some time what I can talk about, and IF I would feel okay with it. Well, I feel uncomfortable right now. But I've decided that what I share with you here would help you in some way. It might encourage you, make you think about your own life, or might even inspire you. I hope you enjoy it. I got married in May last year after 3 years of knowing each other. After one year later we met, we moved in together, then, after 2 years, we got engaged. We had a small ceremony in a hotel penthouse with only 11 guests. We hired an officiant whom I found on the internet! It was casual and very intimate. It sounded so smooth and easy, doesn't it? No, it wasn't, at least, for me! In 43 years of my life, the biggest challenge was finding my husband. (Moving from Japan to the United States as a Japanese native, getting jobs and living in New York City could've been it, but it's really not.) It was a long challenging days (years) of dating before I met him. I went out on dates, I had a couple of long-term relationships, and some mid-length relationships. When I was 36, I moved out of the apartment where I was living with the ex. I was not happy. I was miserable. I was sad not because we broke up, but because I felt that there was no love. I always felt alone even when we were in the same room. There was a moment when one thought jumped out; "I should deserve love in my life. I don't have to tolerate this. I should deserve to be loved as a woman." The terms, "love" or "woman", never came into my mind like that before that moment because, I think, it's such common and obvious and I never payed any special attention to it. "Have I ever been loved, cherished, respected and treated as a woman who deserve all those things?" The answer was, sadly, no. Then, I decided I want that. I wanted to be loved, cherished, respected and treated as a woman who is worthy of all that. My new journey started then. |
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