Hello, and welcome back!
I am continuing the series, “Life Lessons from Movies”.
Being mature women, we have experienced heartbreaks in our lives. It’s awful. It’s painful. Even now, I can remember how it felt then. It sucked.
After feeling hurt so much, we sworn that we wouldn’t want to feel that way ever again.
But, the thing is we have to take down the emotional shields if we want to have someone special in our lives, and love him and allow him to love you back.
It’s a risk that we might get hurt again.
If you try to avoid getting hurt, it means that your heart is closed. When it's closed, you won’t get hurt, but you won’t feel joy and happiness either in the deepest level.
Erica: I'm in love. Ain't it great? Seems like I gotta learn how to that... love-them-and-leave-them stuff, you know?
Marin: Oh mom, I hate this. Now do you get my theory about all this? You gotta self-protect.
Erica: You don't really buy this stuff you say, do you? You don't actually think that you can outsmart getting hurt?
Marin: I think it's worth trying.
Erica: Listen to me. You can't hide from love for the rest of your life because maybe it won't work out... maybe you'll become unglued? It's just not a way to live.
Marin: Are you telling me this is good? What's happened to you?
Erica: I think you should consider the possibility that you and I are more alike than you realize. I let someone in, and I had the time of my life.
Marin: I've never had the time of my life.
Erica: I know, baby. And I say this from the deepest part of my heart. What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
It’s scary to let people in, especially a man with whom you could have the time of your life. But THAT could be worth trying.
Hello, and welcome back.
When it comes to love and relationships, why do intelligent women like us behave insecurely while we usually are so confident and powerful at work?
We hang onto obviously bad relationships with men who don’t treat us right.
I think it’s our intelligence that gets us in trouble with love. What I mean by that is that we have such capability to reason and justify any bad situation. What we do is almost like convincing ourselves that we are happy even when we are not sure that’s true.
And, because we have invested in ignoring our own gut feelings and inventing with reasons and justifications for that mediocre relationship, we convince ourselves that we MUST in be love. We tend to give the benefit of the doubt until we just get so exhausted!
“He must have had bad experiences with women in the past….” “He must have hurt and heartbroken with his ex. I should be nice to him.” “He must have a bad childhood and his parents didn’t love him enough.” etc.
What about US? What about YOU?
Are YOU truly happy in that relationship?
Are YOU truly happy with him?
Iris takes over her life again! She has her power back! She is the leading lady of her own life.
What was your leading lady moment in your life?
How did it feel then?
If you can apply that now, what is it?
And, what would be the outcome?
Hello and welcome back!
I have been thinking about how can I raise my frequency up recently. Your frequency is up when you are having fun.
"What's fun for me...?"
That had been a big question for a long time because I had no idea or forgotten what fun meant to me.
Fun means differently for different people, fur sure. For some, going out to bars and getting drunk. For some, staying and reading books.
I found my fun, finally. (It was sad that I had to think about it, though.)
Finding great lines in movies, especially the ones which inspire me and lead me think about and look at my life deeper.
Here is one of my favorites, The Holiday. If you thought it's just another romantic comedy, you would be surprised.
Iris: An ex-boyfriend who just got engaged and forgot to tell me.
Arthur: So, he's a schmuck.
Iris: As a matter of fact, he is... a huge schmuck. How did you know?
Arthur: He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.
Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained anything to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.
Iris thought she would be able to get away from her problem by physically removing herself from the situation. But it came with her.
The problem will be there even though you're trying to ignore it or face the other way.
What would a leading lady do?
Hi, welcome back.
When I was single, I was trying to be invisible from November through mid-February every year; Starting from Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, New Year'Day, my birthday and Valentine's Day. I hated the question; "So, what are you doing for the holiday?" I was single and didn't have my family in this country, so the answer could've been, "Nothing. I'll stay in my apartment, order Pay-Per-View and eat Chinese take-out, alone." However, I understood that that answer made people uncomfortable, so my usual answer was "Oh, I am spending a quiet holiday. You know how crazy it's going to be in the city?" And it was ended with a smile.
When Valentine's Day was finally over, I felt like I was finally be able to breathe again since I was holding my breath so that no one noticed me to include me in any holiday conversations.
Valentine's Day was like a reminder how alone I was among couples celebrating their love for each other. I was trying to feel numb so that I didn't feel sad for myself. If I allowed myself to "feel", I was just bitter and angry about old relationships, or felt pathetic about feeling jealous of those love birds.
Some people tole me that I was supposed to feel happy and celebrate their love for them so that the happiness will come back to me, eventually.
Okay, I got it. It's the law of attraction. But isn't is so hard sometimes to feel happy for someone else if you're not happy yourself?
Tomorrow could be like that for you, too. It could be a complicated day. You are feeling bad, but you're not supposed to because you're strong and independent. You are feeling jealous about someone you know, but you're not supposed to. You feel weak inside because any affirmations sound fake.
Give yourself a break!
Feel bad if that's how you feel. Feel jealous if that's what you feel.
I believe that you will have to go through phases, and you're not going to feel great all of a sudden magically.
Here is how you can handle:
First, acknowledge and accept that you feel angry, jealous or sad. Take your time, but don't do it all day long.
Then, actually say something like "I am happy for them. It's great that they found each other and celebrate their love together." It's okay that you sound fake. The point is you're actually saying it out loud.
At this point, you might go back to the first phase, but don't worry. Stay there until you are ready to move to the second phase again.
Then, create a new thing to say by replacing "them", "they" and "their" with "us", "we" and "our".
"I am happy for us. It's great that we found each other and celebrate our love together."
By doing this, you are creating your future now.
Experience your future now by changing your words and feelings.
Hello, and welcome back.
In the last post, I talked about Reaction VS. Response
Feeling uncomfortable is not necessarily a bad thing. It's a sign that you need to pay attention to your thoughts.
In my last post, I talked about feeling uncomfortable when my husband was being so close to me while we were still dating. What I meant by "being so close" is that he was being so sweet and caring when I was not feeling well in bed or I brought home some stress from work.
His sweet and kind behavior made me uncomfortable. That feeling of discomfort was the cue to pay attention to my thoughts.
"Why am I feeling uncomfortable even though he is being sweet and kind to me?"
I was feeling that way even though my head understood that he was just being caring.
That uncomfortable feeling came from what I learned from my previous relationships!
I never experienced any man being caring towards me before my husband! And those relationships ended up enforcing my belief; "I was not worthy of being cared for."
That old belief was the reason why I had relationships with men who are distant and afraid of intimacy. In other words, I was the one who was responsible for attracting those men in my life.
What makes you feel uncomfortable? And what belief did you discover?
Hi, everyone. Welcome back.
I hope I gave you something to think about in the last post, "Which do you choose?"
Why does it feel so difficult to be in love?
Is that something people all over the world do so easily? What do I have to learn about it? Doesn't it come naturally?
Here is the thing.
As we get older, we wear more layers around us; emotional layers for protection.
We experienced enough hurts and heartbreaks and we don't want to get hurt again.
But, having those layers wouldn't let you experience what a life with that someone special can offer you.
You might be able to get into a relationship or get married anyway, but you are like half asleep. Your eyes are open, but not seeing anything.
I decided to let the shields down, but it didn't happen over night. Even after I started dating my husband, there were moments when I was about to push him away because I felt uncomfortable to have someone so close to me.
I needed to be aware of the moment when I was the one who sabotages my own happiness so that I was able to choose consciously a different path.
It was the reaction based on fear of getting hurt again.
But I needed to trust what my decision was right, and respond for my better future.
Conscious choices create your future. Reaction is just a repeat of the past.
Hi, everyone. Welcome back.
My story continues from my last post, Shields Up.
Coming out of a cold, loveless relationship, I wanted to be in a "real" relationship.
A real relationship where he and I share a life.
He and I talk about everything together. We make ourselves laugh all the time. We cook together. We hold hands walking down the street. We like spending relaxing time at home at night instead of going out. Etc, etc. It was so much fun to imagine how my life could be with the right guy.
At the same time, I had no idea how to get that.
All I knew was how I felt when I was picturing what my life could be, and what I had been doing would not work to get any of them.
I felt great to have that breakthrough of realization, but at the same time, I felt sad that I didn't have what I was dreaming about.
"What went wrong?"
When you put up the shields around you not to get hurt, you block all the good stuff too; joy and happiness shared with someone.
It is a risk that you lower your shields down, though.
But that's the only way to let people in and be able to share the good stuff.
Which do you want to choose, not getting hurt and being alone, or taking a risk and having a lot more love and joy in your life?
Hi, everyone. Welcome back.
My story continues from the last entry.
I moved back to Astoria where I used to live before my ex. I remember how happy I felt in the subway on the way home from work thinking that I didn't have to return to where I was. It was a fresh start.
Since I didn't have family in this country, friends were the people I trusted, and they were the ones who supported and helped me emotionally when the time was so difficult.
It was the time when I truly accepted helping hands from others. It was, and still is sometimes, difficult for me to accept help form anyone. I am currently learning to accept and receive help and support more freely, without feeling guilty or inadequate, from my husband. (There must be some reason why he is my husband.)
I strongly believe that having spirit of independence is important for women.
Since being independent mentally and financially is important for any women, I feel that it could be misunderstood with being strong, which is another quality that is misunderstood.
I was one of that women, who thought that I should and could not rely on anyone and I needed to be strong by myself. Accepting help from others was like admitting defeat, even though it had nothing to do with the other. (Defeated by whom?)
The needs to be independent and strong twisted my attitude towards being in relationships. I had a strong belief that I needed to be adequate even when I was in a relationship.
I think back now, and I know I was the one who put myself in cold and loveless relationships.
Being strong does not mean that you need to pull up your guard and be ready for fight.
The guard we pull up is to protect ourselves. It will prevent us from being hurt, but it will also keep anyone from being close to you.
So, how would you expect anyone, even the love-of-your-life, to get to know you if you didn't let him be close to you?
It seems so easy for some people to talk or post onto the internet about their inner thoughts.
I have been contemplating for some time what I can talk about, and IF I would feel okay with it. Well, I feel uncomfortable right now. But I've decided that what I share with you here would help you in some way. It might encourage you, make you think about your own life, or might even inspire you. I hope you enjoy it.
I got married in May last year after 3 years of knowing each other. After one year later we met, we moved in together, then, after 2 years, we got engaged. We had a small ceremony in a hotel penthouse with only 11 guests. We hired an officiant whom I found on the internet! It was casual and very intimate.
It sounded so smooth and easy, doesn't it? No, it wasn't, at least, for me! In 43 years of my life, the biggest challenge was finding my husband. (Moving from Japan to the United States as a Japanese native, getting jobs and living in New York City could've been it, but it's really not.)
It was a long challenging days (years) of dating before I met him. I went out on dates, I had a couple of long-term relationships, and some mid-length relationships. When I was 36, I moved out of the apartment where I was living with the ex. I was not happy. I was miserable. I was sad not because we broke up, but because I felt that there was no love. I always felt alone even when we were in the same room.
There was a moment when one thought jumped out;
"I should deserve love in my life. I don't have to tolerate this. I should deserve to be loved as a woman."
The terms, "love" or "woman", never came into my mind like that before that moment because, I think, it's such common and obvious and I never payed any special attention to it.
"Have I ever been loved, cherished, respected and treated as a woman who deserve all those things?"
The answer was, sadly, no.
Then, I decided I want that. I wanted to be loved, cherished, respected and treated as a woman who is worthy of all that.
My new journey started then.